So, what's my option?

So, looking back:

I should have seen this coming.

If only things were simple. If only I could have what I truly want and need.

What the hell am I supposed to do anymore? There's complicated, there's the way I usually feel, and then there's this fuck-upped-ness. My head feels like it may fucking explode. I'm so confused because things are always changing and no one ever tells me anything about anything any more. Not even the one that lives in the same goddamned apartment as me. AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!! I hate this shit.

I now have THREE tats...YAY!!! This last one is definately worth it.

And for you I wish only the most beautiful sunrise every morning, the funniest jokes, the most meaningful stories.
I wish for you everything you've ever dreamt of having. At the very least I wish you love. I dream of a happiness for you that you will never be able to put into words. One that will have you chattering but leave you speachless. I wish you to dream in vivid colors of traveling far and wide and having success in everything you try. I want you to see any failure as a learning experience and a minor setback instead of the end of new things.

I need a tattoo over my heart that says "Insert blade and twist" or something like it. I imagine it would feel better than I do right now.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I do still live and breathe. Mostly, I don't update because I don't have anyone who sees it. That, and I'm online once a week, if you're lucky, meaning, I don't care enough about the computer anymore. I used to be on for hours at a time, now I'm on for minutes, and not very often. If I did online gaming or had more than two friends in the world, it might be worth doing, but I don't. I'm a sad pathetic (redundant much) little girl. Oh yeah, and boy have I changed.

Wow, I haven't written anything in over a month, and that was a pointless entry...fun stuff. I know that there is only one or two people who read this, but whatever. So, let us start with the moving. I do not live with my mother anymore. I know, it's about time. I have been spending my time with an amazing guy. He's an absolute goofball, and he is really fun to talk to. I have finally admitted to myself something that makes me feel so much better. I have a job that I do like, but I don't make enough money working there thus I need another one. Unfortunately, I don't wanna...lol. I'm working on getting myself into the military, it'll take longer than I originally wanted, but now I've found something that's making it harder to do. What else...last weekend was awesome...thank you so much. I think that's all I have to say. I love you for reading this, and I apologize for not being more interesting...lol

I am never on here. I am never on a computer. I miss having a computer to play on. At the same time, I hate the things. Oh woe is me...lol. So, I suppose an overview is in order. Now if only I could remember what the last thing I posted on here was...time for a trip down memeory lane...

I'm eating Lucky Charms, listening to INXS, and playing on the computer. Mostly, I'm waiting for work so I can get the hell out of this house. I wish I was somewhere else. I know where, and that's all that matters. I'm really confused about some things, and what to do about them. I suppose that's nothing new though. I've decided to just let everyone see who is me...or, at least as much of me as I have discovered. I've also decided to not care about certain...issues...I've been having. It's just making things complicated, and I'm sick of complicated.

I guess that's all I have to bore myself with.

This is an old one I found way back in my journal. I changed it so it was true (different fave color) and I found an irony on there that I thought I would share. You know what it is...lol.

Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Username
Sex	MaleFemaleNot SureHELL, YEAH!
Favorite Color
Love of your life:	eversea
Best sex of your life:	tangerinepotato
Will make you come 1000 times:	z_regenbogen_z
Will break your heart:	saint_lucifer
Best Kisser:	daphneaguilera
Best cuddler:	fenmere
You secretly dream of:	spazticbookworm
But this person dreams of you:	lonely_hearts41
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:	dgbottom
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Ok. Here goes...

I was looking at my lj, and thinking about what Bjorn said about me never updating and I asked myself why.

When you look back in here, and you read all the stupid bullshit that I decided to post for the world to see, doesn't kinda make you want to hurt me? That's how I feel. When I look at other people's entries and all that they seem to talk about is a boy or how horrible everything is, I stop wanting to read it. First of all, most people don't care about how cute your boyfriend looks while he's taking a piss or some such bullshit. And if you mention the fact that you love him twelve times in one entry then I wonder if maybe you aren't trying to convince yourself instead of everyone else. Secondly, everyone has a fucked up something in their lives, but you don't see them walking down the road telling everyone. If your friends need to know about it then tell them, alone, not somewhere where any random person can read it and hate you just like I would. I don't mean to be rude or whatever, or maybe I do. Maybe that's what it'll take.

This is why I don't post in here anymore. Because I have been like this. I fall into the same stupid patterns as every other stupid person that has nothing better to say. I tell everyone everything they don't care about. I'm sick of posting and having nothing to say. I want to be one of those people that writes only when something really needs to be said. Or maybe just when it's about my life in a way that doesn't make it sound like I'm living in a third world country with nothing but a loincloth. I'm really doing ok...most days, and I no longer have a boyfriend to talk about. Next time I really love someone, I'm not going to say it a million times for everyone else to see. I'm not going to wear out the word. I'll let that one person know that I love them, and let everyone else figure it out for themselves. This is who I want to be, and this is who I fully intend to find in myself.

I am working on a better life for myself. That is all I need everyone to know.

So, I never update this thing, so what? I'll tell you if I have anything to say. At the moment, there is nothing.


They call me a whore here.
Madelyn makes comments, she'll never say the word.
Matt called me easy.

Apparently, I'm a whore...

Fucking AWESOME night...more fun than I think I've ever had...yay...

My mom made a funny statement today. She told me I'm very butchy. I said duh.
The best part was when she asked why. What am I supposed to say? Do I say "because it pisses you off"? It would be a lie, but the reaction would be worth it I think. I'm "butchy" because it's the way I am. I like to dress that way a little, but it's mostly in my attitude I guess.
Am I really that bad though? I didn't think I was.


Oh well.

As I look back on the time between my last entry and now, I wonder who I ever really was. I was a different person on so many levels, and yet, I couldn't tell you exactly how I've changed. Now, I feel free in a way I never have. I feel like I am allowed to be someone I don't think I have ever been. This whole 'growing up' thing doesn't really suck as much as I thought it would. There's no point in being afraid of something if you have absolutely no control. All that does is makes the time it takes to get there less enjoyable. And you gotta take things in stride. If you planned something and it doesn't happen the way you wanted it to, then so what. Do the next best thing. Watch a movie and snuggle on the couch instead. (I'm sorry for all you who don't know what I'm talking about) Life is only what you make of it. I only took me 18 and a half years to figure it out. I'm lucky. I have people who care. I have a job. It may be shitty, but at least I've got it until I find another one. I have family that loves me. We may not all like each other all the time, but just challenge that bond and see where it gets ya. I have almost nothing to be desired in my life. Those things I do desire, I don't know that I really need. These past few weeks, I've done things I never would have dreamed, and I'm so glad I have. I have let people into that place inside of me where no one has ever been. I have smiled more then ever before.

Getting out of high school is the best thing that ever happened to me. No more drama. Lot less bullshit. My life is looking up and I never thought I'd have things so great.






So explain to me why I want to cry...

INK!!!!

So...I registered to vote today...lol...
I told my mom and her boyfriend and they were like "oh great". It was funny.

I think I may have just ruined my life. In essence, killed myself. I already feel dead.

So, Tuesday was my last day of school. Yesterday I spent the first 5 hours of my day cleaning, then I went out to lunch, which turned into a 3 hour affair...and then went bowling. Today, I opened up checking and savings accounts. Tomorrow...job hunting. Saturday, spending the day with Matthew's people (family...mom). Sunday, football baby...Monday on...job hunting til I find one. Some idiot is bound to hire me right? lol

Fuck growing up...this shit sucks...

--Manda